Not all of you are going to agree with me here, but I’m going in anyway. Let’s talk about refunds, always a thorny issue particularly when the number of admissions shoot up like they have the last few weeks.

We do make it very clear to everyone that buys a ticket, we don’t refund or exchange tickets once sold.

Whether you agree with me or not, if you buy a ticket on the web it’s all there in black and white, if you buy one over the telephone we make a point of telling you this and carefully reading back the booking to make sure we have it right. If you buy tickets over the counter in advance we make sure you understand that once you buy them they are yours forever. There is also a sign hanging over the counter underlining the aforementioned rule.

Despite all of those precautions as soon as we start to get busy we have the occasional, sometimes quite unpleasant, argy bargy with customers demanding refunds for screenings they can no longer make or asking for swapsies.

I don’t mind you asking, actually I do but that’s just because I’m a grumpy git.

However, the rule is no exchanges or refunds. Not, no exchanges or refunds unless your name is Harrington and you forgot you were playing bridge with the Davies on Wednesday afternoon.

It’s not always overcrowded social diaries, it’s booking the wrong day by mistake or my husband booked the wrong day by mistake, which is more common.

On the surface this attitude seems harsh and inflexible to say nothing of being the wrong side of the customer is always right. But we have these rules for very important reasons.

We deal with around 140,000 tickets a year, if we allowed swapping or canceling willy nilly, chaos would ensue. You would be really miffed if you turned up and your seats weren’t there because of all the swapping about.

Trust me, years of experience has taught me not to mess with the seating plan. It can only end badly.

We also sell out quite often and last minute returns are impossible to sell as we’ve been telling everyone all day we’re full.

It’s also worth remembering that tickets are valuable and are the distributors only way of measuring how much money we owe them. So you can imagine they have to be strictly accounted for.

Try calling the London Palladium and telling them you want to swap you tickets for another night. You wouldn’t would you? No.

The value of tickets is something that I’m used to people dismissing, and it still makes me cross.

When I was a kid other kids would ask me for free tickets all the time, and because I was a curmudgeon even then, I would ask them what their dad did and whether they could could give me some freebies from his work?

Strangely no items were forthcoming.

We have on average two or three requests per week for giveaways to village fetes or playschool prize draws. Rising to about about six per week in the summer months or around Christmas. I’m happy to do what I can, but there is a limit. Each set of tickets I give out represents quite high value.

Tickets are not disposable bits of paper to be treated like confetti, they’re my livelihood.

There, I’ve got that out of my system and we shall not have to talk of it again.

"What do you mean we're number one!?"

When box office results are published on a Monday morning it often comes as quite a shock just how out of step we can be with the rest of country.

It was becoming increasingly clear over the last couple of weeks that booking Disney’s expensive effects bonanza John Carter was a mistake.

Although booking Bel Ami was an even bigger mistake. There are times when I really shouldn’t be left in charge.

Sure enough the weekend business was appalling, although I’m not entirely sure why. The weather didn’t help admittedly, it was gloriously springlike. SFX magazine has a rather good analysis of the broader situation here.

Imagine my surprise when the numbers came out Monday and John Carter was number one at the box office. Wait, what?

Here is Charles Gant’s excellent weekly blog in the Guardian that dissects the weekend figures. Charles understands the business very well and writes with rare authority about the UK box office. When my bank manager is trying to understand why there’s no money coming in during the quiet times, I always point him in the direction of Charles’ Guardian blog.

So here is the UK top five for the weekend of Friday 9th March 2012:

1. John Carter, £1,960,414 from 456 sites (New)

2. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, £1,787,352 from 499 sites. Total: £10,855,596

3. The Woman in Black, £1,131,402 from 435 sites. Total: £19,485,541

4. This Means War, £1,017,075 from 439 sites . Total: £3,591,896

5. Safe House, £774,745 from 382 sites. Total: £6,131,580

Yep, there it is. Top film.

Now consider this, we sold 122 tickets for John Carter over eleven shows in three days. Terrible. Marigold Hotel, however, sold 1200 tickets. Ten times the number.

How can we be that far adrift of the rest of the nation? Is Uckfield and it’s surrounding area really that much different from everywhere else?

Even allowing for the slight bump from 3D that John Carter had (we didn’t bother with poxy 3D) it doesn’t explain such a disparity.

We were always going to punch way above our weight on Marigold I understand that, but john Carter should really have done better if Disney’s figures are to be believed.

Bel Ami was a stinker everywhere, so our figures were about right. Which actually came as a relief perversely.

It’s going to be up there with our worst grossers of all time. The only way it could have taken less money is if Adam Sandler had been in it.

Work it out for yourself....

Yikes. It’s been a month since I posted. That’s really not very good is it? So what’s been going on? Quite a lot actually, thank you for asking.

We’ve  been enormously busy, which is very nice indeed. This is the best time of the year for The Picture House, most of the awards season films are released and we tend to do very well with those.

Not that we do well with ALL awards season films, just those that appeal most directly to our demographic. Did you know you’re merely a demographic? Well you do now.

As you can imagine The Iron Lady, War Horse and The Artist have been right up our street. In fact they couldn’t have been more up our street if they had all got in a caravan and camped outside my house occasionally popping round to borrow a cup of sugar.

I always know we’re home and dry box office wise when our older patrons aren’t entirely clear about the name of the film they’re coming to see. In the last few weeks we’ve had The War Lady, The Iron Horse, The Dear Lady (!?) and my particular favorite The Horsey Lady.

You can imagine the futile struggle to accurately request two tickets for The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Two for the Erotic Hotel takes the current prize.

Marigold Hotel has cleverly cashed in on the awards mayhem. Everyone thinks it’s an awards film because that’s what they’ve been coming to see for the last three months, why should this one be any different? In fact it hasn’t had a sniff of any awards. Smart move Twentieth Century Fox.

Marigold Hotel is one of those films that comes along occasionally and feels it was made with me in mind. As if I sat at the bar and someone ran along a metaphorical set of optics going, shot of Judi Dench, some Maggie Smith, a shot of Tom Wilkinson and can you pass the bottle of Celia Imrie please?

Of course we’re not alone, Marigold Hotel has been a huge hit across the country. So after The Kings Speech and all the aforementioned Thatcher based horsey entertainment surely the powerhouse success of Marigold Hotel is final clinching proof that it’s not only 18 – 24’s that go to the cinema. In fact 18 – 24’s tend to congregate around the weekend, older audiences even come out on a Monday!

The midweek business on an older skewing film is as good as the weekend. Bloody marvelous. Grown ups WANT to come to the cinema, we just need more films for them. Simple.

So all in all very successful start to the year, a wee bit behind last year but nothing to get worried about. Yet, anyway. It won’t be long and men will start putting their underpants on over their trousers and then we’re screwed for a bit.

Lot’s of opera and ballet and symphonic concerts on the way though. Phew.

There was a time, long in the past, when the end was the end. Very occasionally a film would have a short cast list to remind you who was who, in the thirties Universal pictures would declare “A good cast is worth repeating” but there was still barely enough time to get the screen curtains across before the tail would go through the projector.

Not anymore though. End credits go on forever, pointlessly torturing those of us working in cinemas.

Some of the entries are just plain daft.  Really, who cares, apart from their mother, who drove the van to the set?

It seems the more self-important the movie, the longer the credits. War Horse goes on and on and on.

So why do I care, what difference to it make to me how long the credits are? Calm down Kev.

After a really long day when all you want to do is go home, and one person, just one, insists on sitting through every last frame you can imagine it’s a bit frustrating.

I know they’ve paid their money and entitled to see all the film, I get it.

Or, there are 200 people wedged into our small foyer, the air running out fast, waiting to go in for the next show, and one person, just one, insists on sitting through every last frame.

Quite often the problem could be eliminated by simply putting the information most people want at the start of the credits.

“We just want to see where it was filmed!” we hear endlessly, as I try not to look like I’m rushing you out. Not that credits always tell you that.

Oh no. “Digital composite department tea making facilities supplied by” is in there. No one gives a toss; they want to know where that stately home used in the second half is.

Sometimes the information is forthcoming, sometimes not. Usually we just get “filmed on location” or some such vague nonsense.

So after miles of pointless information the bit people actually want to know is not even there, idiots.

The real wind up though, is the “we just want to see if there’s something on the end”.

This ridiculous affectation of putting a short scene after the end of eight minutes of an infuriatingly slow credit crawl really makes me see the red mist.

If the scene is that bloody important, put it in the film. It’s also an act of extreme arrogance to assume the audience are still going to be sitting there. They’re not. Just that one person, just one, who insists on sitting through every last frame.

If you’re that one person, I apologise. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, the credits are there and you want to watch them. It’s the film makers that need a swift kick in the gonads for putting all that nonsense on there in the first place.

Think how many miles of film have been wasted, how much ozone we could have saved if the Harry Potter crew weren’t such narcissists.

In the UK alone with over 1000 prints, eight minutes of credits is about 60 prints worth. Could have saved yourselves a fortune on a global scale couldn’t you?

Of course now we’re digital that argument doesn’t hold water. However, we do live in a digital world which means for those sufficiently interested the distributor could supply a web page with all this tosh on it and everyone would be happy, able to read it all at their leisure, without having me rattle a bunch of keys at you.

The Lovely Bones ran 135 minutes, the actual film, with actors in it and plot and stuff finished after 118 minutes. For the love of God why? Whilst extra shows would have made no difference to that turkey, on some films if you removed seventeen minutes of credits, by the end of the day we could get another whole show in, making me and the distributor more money. Surely one of the reasons we’re here.

In fact while I’m on this rant, can we just make films generally shorter please? Be honest with yourself, when did you last see a film that couldn’t have done with some pruning?

You can tell it’s been a busy week can’t you?

Maybe I should go and lie down.

I’m not very good at New Year resolutions, that’s why I gave up smoking approximately 56 days 13 hours 21 minutes and 43 seconds ago. Although I have to admit they still look pretty creamy and delicious to me.

So to pretend I’m going to strain every sinew to bring you the absolute best in film entertainment in 2012 would be a false resolution. I’m going to strain every sinew to bring you the filmed entertainment I think the largest number of people want to see. Because let’s face it sometimes you want to see the most appalling crap in stunningly large numbers. Who am I to judge?

OK, so sometimes I’m going to try and show something less commercial but with merit in the hope you want to see it. See, no good at resolutions.

I tried a few of those “merit” films last year and fell flat on my face, but I’m going to keep trying now and again. Please don’t try and stop me, it’s my cinema I can do what I want.

Besides I showed commercial films that fell flat on their face. If we’re going down in flames, I might as well feel smug and superior about it.

This constant feeling of living in the future, trying to second guess what all the fuss is going to be about in a few months time can cause independent cinema owners to be unstable.

I really shouldn’t be left to make these decisions. I confidently predicted Betamax would win the video war and was one of the first in line to buy a BSB Squarial. It’s amazing this cinema’s still open really.

So what are my plans for 2012 I hear you not asking? Apart from staring out of my office window and playing Tetris that is.

Film wise it’s going to be pretty strong I think. Anyone in the business will know how rare it is for an exhibitor to be so upbeat. Make the most of it, it probably won’t last.

Obviously The Iron Lady is a good start as are War Horse and The Artist. The Muppets are back and I predict big things for that, Woman in Black, Best Marigold Hotel and even Salmon Fishing in the Yemen look like strong titles for us.

The new Aardman claymation film Pirates in an Adventure with Scientists is going to be humongous at Easter.

Then the arse will drop out of it all for a bit as all the distributors run a mile from the Olympics, the football and the Queen’s jubilee.

Summer, Dark Knight, Men in Black etc. Nice. October is the new Bond, even nicer and then into The Hobbit for Christmas. Marvelous.

So at the moment I’m fairly confident. A dangerous state of affairs clearly, and we can all read this back together next year laughing at my naïve optimism.

We shall also continue to bring live opera, ballet, theatre and all that as well as some as yet unknown events.

I’m going to persevere with the live comedy, some nights have been more popular than others, but it’s certainly a success entertainment wise. We’ve had some really great evenings and everyone has a fab time that comes along.

It’s what I’m going to do with the building is the big question. Time for a bit of a refurb I think, whilst it’s all mostly in good nick perhaps the time has come to improve some of the facilities.

The kiosk definitely needs looking at, something a bit more sexy and sophisticated. Like me.

We aren’t making the most of our bar offering, people are still surprised we offer wine and beer etc. I also acknowledge the choice is not great, will certainly look at that.

So, an improved foyer by the end of the year hopefully.

A few other things I can’t spill the beans on just yet are in the pipeline too.

If you read the blog and come to us regularly I look forward to seeing you in 2012. If you don’t, then get your arse down here.

Kevin

It’s over already. Hardly seems anytime at all since I was positively wetting myself at the prospect of The Kings Speech starting on Jan 7th. Now I’m hopeful but managing to hold it in for The Iron Lady a whole year later. Not that I don’t think IL isn’t going to be successful, I just don’t think we’ll hit the heights we hit with KS.  Few films do.

2011 has been a big improvement for us on 2010, actually if I’m honest it was an improvement on 2009 as well.

Why’s that then? Two reasons basically, better films, or at least films better suited to The Picture House and live transmissions of opera, ballet and theatre.

In 2010 we were utterly bereft of anything approaching a posh film, as a result we took a great big hit on the number of admissions. 2011 is 10% up which is a huge jump.

2011 was as it should be, lots of ordinary films with the odd monster thrown in. Exactly how I like it. We hit a few rocky periods of course but that’s normal.

Jan and Feb are usually good, stuffed as they are with awards titles. In fact too many normally, if we could spread them out a bit more we’d all win, distribs and exhibitors alike.  I understand the awards buzz thing, but it becomes self defeating in such a crowded market.

So we had King’s Speech, Brighton Rock, True Grit, Never Let Me Go and Black Swan which all did great business, competing with the February half term mainstream pictures, Tangled and Gnomeo & Juliet.

March to May we seemed to hit a bit of a wall and couldn’t get anything going. Easter was not very good at all. Rio and Hop both disappointing, Chalet Girl didn’t get out of the starting block, and Oranges and Sunshine also tanked. Which surprised me  as I thought it would do alright.

It all started to pick up with Thor. Not huge, but it had a bit of life. Then the Pirates of The Caribbean showed up and we were off again.

The big surprises in June were Bridesmaids and Senna. Very strong for us and both of them not normally films we would expect to do well with. A bonus too as June here is normally appalling.

July to Sept was groovy, Harry Potter said his farewells and Inbetweeners, another “not us” title went bonkers. Super 8 and Cowboys & Aliens were huge disappointments though. Tinker Tailor was massive and Jane Eyre nice and solid.

Thought we would do better with Melancholia than we did. Why? Come on, I want to know.

Oct to Dec it was great. Midnight in Paris surprised everyone but me. Johnny English  and more Twilight.  Although I expected better things of My Week With Marilyn and Hugo.

That is, of course, a rather cursory run through the year. It doesn’t take in the amazing success of the Met Opera and NT Live, where we’ve had some wonderful evenings. Sometimes having to use two screens such has been the demand.

We played a total of 93 films. How many did you see?

So here is the top ten grossing film of 2011 at The Picture House Uckfield:

1. The King’s Speech
20,000 of you made this our highest grossing film of all time. My children still have to stand and salute if it’s mentioned in the house.

2. Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Pt 2
Farewell then Harry Potter. Our bank account is going to miss you terribly.

3. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Not in UK top 10. Proving my patrons have much better taste than the rest of the country.

4. Inbetweeners
Quite a shock this made it so high.

5. Bridesmaids
See 4.

6. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
But Why?

7. Gnomeo & Juliet
I think the British thing worked here.

8. Johnny English Reborn
You came. You seemed to laugh.

9. Jane Eyre
Frocks? Judi Dench? How could it fail?

10. Tangled
Would have made it much higher had evening show insanity not overtaken the situation.

The Wooden Spoon: Lowest take for a new film in one week was Larry Crowne. Oh Tom, where did it all go wrong?

Looking forward I’m pretty confident things should roll on into next year. The immediate future looks fab. Iron Lady, War Horse, The Artist and The Muppets. A big summer with Dark Knight Rises and possibly Men in Black. A Bond in October and The Hobbit at Christmas. So in theory I should still be around to bug you this time next year.

My Turn for a bit..

Now I’m going to give you my films of the year, forgive me the self indulgence, but what’s all this for if not the occasional moment of blogish onanism?

Inevitably all film lovers enjoy showing off with their film lists, but I haven’t seen every film released in 2011 so how can I possibly say these are the best films? I can’t. There could well be better ones out there I haven’t seen.

There are a few that have made most other lists, like Tree of Life or Melancholia, that for whatever I reason I can’t say I enjoyed.  That doesn’t mean I judge them bad films.

There are some I am ashamed to say I have not seen. In the end it’s all horribly subjective, but for what it’s worth, here, and I stress, in no particular order are the films I’ve most enjoyed this year.

I know some of them we didn’t show. Sorry! Some are not released until next year, but I’ve seen them this year. Let the showing off commence..

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (UK Dir: Thomas Alfredson)
Thomas Alfredson follows the brilliant Let The right One In with this utterly compelling waft of cold war chill.
With an almost Kubrick like detached eye he recreates the beige London of the 1970’s where self important men play games with peoples lives.

We Need To Talk About Kevin (UK/US Dir: Lynne Ramsay)
Dazzling and exhausting to watch. Asks more questions than it can possibly answer and Swinton is as usual mesmerising.

Drive (US Dir: Nicholas Winding Refn)
Sometimes too cool for it’s own good but utterly irresistible. Some may find the violence unacceptable.

A Seperation (Iran Dir: Asghar Farhadi)
A window into another world. Subtle and unsettling, it’s grip tightening as it goes on.

The Descendants (US Dir: Alexander Payne)
Maybe too middle aged and maudlin for anyone under 30, but Alexander Payne turns in another heartfelt exploration of ageing and learning.

The Artist (France Dir: Michel Hazanavicius)
Delightful, light and airy, a real slice of pure entertainment.

Animal Kingdom (Australia Dir: David Michod)
I know it’s all been done before, but this so good. Jacki Weaver as the family matriarch is without doubt the scariest thing I saw on screen in 2011.

Midnight In Paris (US Dir: Woody Allen)
Hugely entertaining Woody Allen, a sort of Inception meets Goodnight Sweetheart for smart arses.

Rise of the Planet of The Apes (US Dir: Rupert Wyatt)
I don’t care, I enjoyed it, a lot. Hopefully the painful memory of the Tim Burton apes has now been erased.

The Skin I Live In (Spain Dir: Pedro Almodovar)
Not Almodovar’s greatest achievement, but even so contains more ideas and originality than most film makers could dream of coming up with.

Tyrannosaur (UK Dir Paddy Consodine)
Really wanted to dislike this, more poxy working class suffering voyeurism. Damn you Consodine, it’s superb. Olivia Coleman is amazing.

Pina (Germany Dir: Wim Wenders)
So enjoyable and I know nothing of modern dance. A 3D film that works for a change as a 3D film. Spellbinding.

LATE ENTRY!

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (US Dir: David Fincher)
I’m not trying to flog it to you, honest. Very much better than the Swedish version, Fincher proves he is the best American director of mainstream films working.
Brilliant stuff.

All in all a rather good vintage. We continue to branch out, this year we also started our live on stage comedy evening which has done really well. Some big names have come down, and we have some bigger ones lined up for 2012.

Of course none of it would be possible without the support of our lovely patrons. It truly is appreciated. I know I can get a bit grumpy sometimes, but I mean well and we are all trying hard to bring you the best cinema experience we can.

Don’t forget you can reach me with your ideas and comments anytime at enquiry@picturehouseuckfield.com or contribute to this blog, which I love when you do.

So thanks again, and here’s to a great 2012.

The annoying bit after the credits…
(Which I really wish they wouldn’t do. Some of us just want to go home, we’ve been here all day.).
OK, here are ALL the films we played in 2010. I expect you to have seen all of them. Apart from The Three Musketeers. I wouldn’t subject anyone to that.

King’s Speech
127 Hours
La Fancuilla (Met Opera)
Fela (NT Live)
Little Fockers
Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Gulliver’s Travels
Harry Potter & Deathly Hallows Pt 1
Giselle (Bolshoi)
Black Swan
Tangled
King Lear (NT Live)
Brighton Rock
Caligula (Paris Ballet)
Gnomeo & Juliet
Never Let Me Go
Nixon in China (Met Opera)
Yogi Bear
True Grit
Iphigeni en Tauride (Met Opera)
Don Quixote (Bolshoi)
The Tempest
Tangled
Frankenstein (NT Live)
Fair Game
Chalet Girl
Lucia di Lammermoor (Met Opera)
Rango
You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger
The Eagle
Coppelia (ROH)
Submarine
Oranges & Sunshine
Source Code
Le Comte Ory (Met Opera)
Red Riding Hood
Little White Lies
Winne the Pooh
Capriccio (Met Opera)
Il Trovatore (Met Opera)
Thor
Arthur
Rio
Hop
Water for Elephants
Jamie Cullum Live
Desire
Thor
Something Borrowed
Flamenco Live!
Berlin Philharmonic 3D
Die Walkurie (Met Opera)
Pirates of the Caribbean 4
Hanna
TT3D
Pina
Cave of Forgotten Dreams
Hangover 2
Coppelia (Bolshoi)
Kung Fu Panda 2
Senna
Green Lantern
Donor Unknown
Die Meistersinger (Glyndebourne)
Cherry Orchard (NT Live)
Transformers 3D
Green Lantern
Life in a Day
Larry Crowne
Island
Potiche
Enfants du Paradis (Paris Ballet)
Apocalypse Now!
Deathly Hallows Pt 2
Cars 2
Don Giovani (Glyndebourne)
Super 8
Sarah’s Key
Horrid Henry
Bridesmaids
Cowboys & Aliens
Inbetweeners
Spy Kids 4D
Turn of the Screw (Glyndebourne)
Glee 3D
One Day
Skin I Live In
Rise of the Planet Apes
The Smurfs
Jane Eyre
One Man Two Guvnors (NT Live)
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
I Don’t Know How She Does It
Mr Popper’s Penguins
Arrietty
Phantom Live
The Kitchen (NT Live)
Melancholia
Johnny English Reborn
Midnight in Paris
Esmeralda (Met Opera)
Anna Bolena (Met Opera)
We Need To Talk About Kevin
Dolphin Tale
Lion King 3D
Lang Lang Live
Don Giovani (Met Opera)
Anonymous
The Help
Siegfried (Met Opera)
Leonardo Live
Ides of March
Wuthering Heights
Sleeping Beauty (Bolshoi)
Satyagraha (Met Opera)
Deep Blue Sea
Collaborators (NT Live)
Arthur Christmas
Adventures of Tintin
Rodelinda (Met Opera)
My Week With Marilyn
Hugo
Happy Feet
Breaking Dawn
Deep Blue Sea
Faust (Met Opera)
Sleeping Beauty (ROH)
Puss in Boots
Sherlock Holmes Game of Shadows
Alvin Chipwrecked
Nutcracker (Bolshoi)
New Years Eve
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

No animals were harmed in the making of this post.

This time of year the world is awash with lists. Everybody wants to tell you what the best films of the year were, I was reading the one in Sight and Sound this week. Man, there’s some showing off in there. In essence pages of critics trying to out do each other in finding the most obscure top five films they possibly can.

So here’s a weird set of lists that I guarantee no one else in the world can come up with.

It’s Christmas, in case you hadn’t noticed, and it’s a tricky time for exhibitors. Before Christmas it’s difficult to get you interested and after Christmas you all want to come so I have to make sure I’ve got the right film on.

We can discuss how successful or otherwise I’ve been this year at a later date. What I thought you might like is a trip through the time tunnel to visit Christmases gone by. I’ve found it a fascinating exercise and a perfect snapshot of how dramatically things have changed in the last 40 years.

It may be a little dry in places, but let’s put it in reverse and get this blog up to 88 miles per hour….

15 Years Ago
1996

Dec 13th: 101 Dalmatians/First Wives Club
Dec 20th: 101 Dalmatians/Matilda
Dec 27th: 101 Dalmatians/Matilda
Jan 3rd: 101 Dalmatians/Evita

Box office wise not a bad christmas at all by the look of it. We only had two screens back then, so I seem to have plumped for the obvious (and probably only) choices, Disney’s horrible live action 101 Dalmatians, the rather better Roald Dahl adaptation Matilda and Evita, Alan Parker’s big ass screen version of the hit show.

101 Dalmatians was the winner by some margin remaining strong throughout the holiday period and beyond. In fact it didn’t come off until February, playing weekends until Fly Away Home took over the matinée reign on Feb 7th.

For some reason Matilda came off after just two weeks. What happened there? I bet there was a barney involved somewhere along the line given how well it had done Dec 27th week.

Presumably Entertainment insisted on all shows for Evita and because Dalmatians was too strong to take off, it had to go.

Maybe Columbia wouldn’t reduce shows on Matilda? For the life of me I can’t remember. Seems a bit bonkers though. There was certainly a lot less flexibility regarding coupling films up back then.

Personally I can’t say anything sticks in my mind from Christmas 1996, my children were all small. My brain was probably soup.

25 Years Ago
1986

Dec 12th: Top Gun/Howard The Duck
Dec 19th: Basil The Great Mouse Detective/Howard The Duck
Dec 26th: Basil The Great Mouse Detective/Top Gun
Jan 2nd: Basil The Great Mouse Detective/Labyrinth

Oh Wow! I remember this one. Everything really went tits up. Two really big flops, and my old man booked them both. To be fair a new Disney cartoon feature was still considered a must book.

Basil was the second in a string of flops that started with Black Cauldron in 1985 and wouldn’t be stopped until The Little Mermaid reinvigorated the studio in 1989, and it was Christmas when families go to the cinema. So we can let that one go. But Howard the Duck? Really?

Labyrinth had been released on November 28th and he obviously made the decision to play off date, to get George Lucas’ infamous duck based turkey in. This is a perfect example of how booking cinemas back then was still ruled by fear and politics. I can only think keeping UIP sweet was part of the problem.

It was one of the few times I went to an advance screening with my dad, and I managed to cause a bit of a fuss. We trooped in to see Howard the Duck and it was awful beyond anyone’s expectations. There were about 20 of us at the start of show, but the screening room door opened regularly as another exhibitor could stand it no more and leave.

By the end there was just me at the front and an old school character, Bill Jones, fast asleep in the back row. In fact he snored loudly all through the last half an hour. I crept out not wanting to wake him and in the lobby of the screening room was Barry Norman. Then at the peak of his Film programme powers, he asked me how it was? So I told him.

Apparently this was the wrong thing to do. The balloon well and truly went up as the crowned heads of United International Pictures tried to find out who had told Barry Norman that Howard The Duck was beyond awful. I’m not sure they ever found out it was me.

So given that experience, which honestly is very rare. Why go ahead and book it anyway? We’ll never know. And boy did it die, admissions for the first week; Fri 5 people Sat 31 Sun 25 Mon 10 Tues 7 Wed 6 Thurs 0. That’s 84 people in a week. The second week 39 people show up.

Fortunately Labyrinth pulled things round a bit on Jan 2nd. 1547 admissions for the week. Basil never really got going 515 admissions and 719.

A Christmas best forgotten.

35 Years Ago
1976

Only one screen back then remember, and films changed on Sundays.

One weird Christmas.

Sun Dec 12th – Wed Dec 15th Confessions of a Window Cleaner/House of Mortal Sin (Double Feature)
Thurs Dec 16th – Sat Dec 18th Confessions of a Pop Performer/Alvin Purple (Double Feature)

Sun Dec 19th Lust for a Vampire/Hard Ride (Double Feature)
Closed 20th – 26th Inclusive (!)
Mon Dec 27th – Sat Jan 1st  The Jungle Book/Diamonds on Wheels (Double Feature)

Sun Jan 2nd Wild Angels/ Return of Count Yorga (Double Feature)
Mon Jan 3rd – Sat Jan 8th The Slipper and the Rose

Where the hell do you start with a line up like that? This was in the days when you could still bring films back, although why he though the knackered out soft core Confessions movies still had life in them, God only knows. They didn’t. 229 admissions for the whole week. the most interesting thing about that week are the second features.

House of Mortal Sin was one of British horrormeister Peter Walker’s more bonkers films. Alvin Purple was a well-regarded (at the time) Australian comedy and a huge hit down under. It originally played as a second feature to Blazing Saddles in 1974.

Then to put you in a fully festive mood, a Hammer vampire movie and an old (even then) biker movie.

To give this booking some context, back then Sunday was the biggest day of the week. In fact Sunday quite often took more than the rest of the week put together, so it was really important to play to the audience, namely “The Herberts” as he called them. Young men between 17 and 25 basically, and they came most Sundays in varying numbers. Sometimes up to 600 of them for a crappy Hammer double bill. My dad was terrified of having two Sundays the same, even when a big film like Oliver came out, he point blankly refused to play it for two Sundays. Hence a 13 day booking.

So we had to have something that appealed to The Herberts, because it was a Sunday. We usually did all right with vampires and bikes I recall. 97 people showed up. Not bad, not great.

Then presumably because there were no films, he closed for a week! Beats me.

The Jungle Book reissue was as usual a steady hit. 1075 admissions in five days. Chances are there were no evening shows either that week. Diamonds on Wheels I remember being quite good fun. There were jewel thieves and lots of British character actors.

Then it was back to vampires and bikes again. Count Yorga Vampire wasn’t that good really, why they felt the need to have him return I’m not sure. At the time Robert Quarry just seemed a laughable old man to me. Having just looked him up, he was three years younger than I am now. Arse.

Wild Angels, of course, was the classic Roger Corman biker movie with Peter Fonda that predated Easy Rider. I always enjoyed that one, and we played it a lot. 112 people bought tickets.

All of the films so far have one thing in common. They were all old even then. Not one of them was released in 1976. In fact Wild Angels was released in 1966! By that token, we’d be playing the first Harry Potter movie next week.

So Jan 3rd was the first new film over the whole of Christmas. Even then notice how he wouldn’t play it on Sunday.

The Slipper and the Rose was a big success. A big budget British musical version of Cinderella with just about everybody in the British film industry involved. Directed by Bryan Forbes and starring Richard Chamberlain and a youthful Gemma Craven. Annette Crosbie was good as Fairy Godmother I remember. I don’t know, it’s years since I’ve seen it.

Anyway, Monday and Tuesday were good, then I imagine the kids went back to school. It went from 300 admissions a day down to 100. Should have played it Sunday.

Despite strong returns, it went back up Saturday, there was no such thing as a holdover in those days. Nope, off and on to the next film. If a film had legs you brought it back another time. (The next film was Black Emanuele, jeez.)

Given I was 14 years old and would have seen all of the above films, even the X certs I’m afraid, can you wonder I’ve grown up so twisted. Soft porn, vampires and a singing bear for Christmas. Great.

45 Years Ago
1966

Sun Dec 18th – Mon Dec 19th Cat Ballou/Fail Safe
Tues Dec 20th – Sat Dec 24th Wizard of Oz/Tomb Thumb

Tues Dec 27th – Sat 31st Dec Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines

Sun Jan 1st The Cracksman/City Under the Sea
Mon Jan 2nd Wed Jan 4th Peter Pan/Greyfriars Bobby
Thurs Jan 5th – Sat Jan 7th That Darn Cat/Born to sing

I didn’t think I was going to remember 1966 as I was only four years old, but I most definitely remember seeing the Wizard of Oz and Tomb Thumb double bill. It took money too, 703 admissions in 5 days. Given that Oz was made in 1939 it’s a bloody miracle. See, if only they hadn’t invented telly I could still be showing it.

Would you believe 233 people showed up for Cat Ballou and Fail Safe, that’s a double feature I would pay to see now. Flying Machines was good, 1711 over five days it took £311.15.0. Brilliant.

Didn’t hold over though did it?

The Disney mish mash week could have been worse. 1598 admissions over the week. Again all these films were really old even at the time. The Cracksman was a crappy Charlie Drake comedy from 1963. Who remembers Charlie Drake?

Thought so.

Live from London's glittering South Bank..

How are we still here? I mean God knows they’ve tried hard to kill us off over the years. Since the early silent days the demise of cinema has been confidently predicted as imminent.

I’m not sure where the threat came from in 1920, increasing sales of hoops and sticks possibly?

Telly was going to do for us, then home video and now presumably on demand “content” is the final nail in the somewhat nail ridden coffin.

I had a discussion about pay per view recently with a very good friend and film maker. This is the way forward apparently, there’s no time to go to the cinema, if a film is available on Apple TV then that’s a much better way to “consume” the film.

Presumably when combined with supermarket deliveries there will be no need to even get out of bed in a few years? Everything will come to you.

Coming from a film maker this struck me as very odd, because I’ve sat and watched films with them and pretty much everything goes on except watching the film. Looking at phones, playing with dogs, checking Facebook and so on.

As someone who’s made films, I really like the audience to give all my hard work their full attention for the short time they’re watching.  Naive I know, but I’m sure she feels the same way.

This has all been debated endlessly elsewhere of course. I mention it because somehow we find ourselves offering our own kind of pay per view scenario.

I’m talking about the wildly successful live transmissions of opera, ballet and theatre that we started last year. So anything you can do..

In the last year we have sold over 12000 tickets for live events. These include opera direct from The Met in New York, ballet live from Covent Garden and The Bolshoi in Moscow, transmissions from The National Theatre often have to be shown on two screens simultaneously they are so popular, in fact many of them would have sold out all three screens.

It’s not often in business, particularly in a mature one like cinema, a whole new line of revenue opens up but that’s exactly what “alternative content”, as it’s rather insipidly called, is.

We’re seeing people coming through the door that we wouldn’t see too often for movies turning up on a regular basis. Some of our lovely customers have bought tickets for every one of the Met operas, all eleven of them.

At £23.00 a seat, this is remarkable, and I’d like to thank them all personally. If I had time to invite you all round for dinner I would.

All sounds wonderful doesn’t it? And it mostly is. If I had one gripe about The Met opera it would be that it comes to us on a Saturday evening. Knocking out at least two evening shows on the busiest day of the week.

There’s no pleasing some people is there?

It is, however, a potential sticking point. Film distributors aren’t too happy about losing two shows on a Saturday night from their mega expensive 3D dancing robot penguin movie.

Can’t say I blame them, but one opera show is often the top grosser over the entire weekend, beating nine shows of the aforementioned blockbuster.

So what am I to do? Play the opera is what I have to do, because all this extra revenue means I stand a much better chance of still being open when 3D dancing robot penguin movie 4 comes out.

Monday mornings can also be tricky, working out times when there’s an opera, a ballet and film society as well as four or five films to get in can be a real headache.

Particularly, as I’ve mentioned on this blog before, we’re not totally the masters of our domain. Distributors can make demands about running time that seem insane to the casual observer.

Why it seems a good idea to force shows on us that we all know no one will turn up for is still a mystery to me after 35 years in the business.

Flexibility of playing time is an example of how studios in particular are having to drag themselves, albeit kicking and screaming, into the brave new digital world.

In many cases the more flexibility we are afforded the longer a film will run. Only this week a studio would rather have taken a film off than drop one show a day at a time when absolutely no bugger was going to come , whilst it was still taking big money at other times. Insane, outdated, and ultimately bullying behaviour.

If I had one other concern about alternative content, it’s that I want to keep it for myself and other independents.

It seems multiplexes are waking up to this potential market and I’m petrified they are going to kill the goose the laid the golden egg with their rather indifferent attitude to picture and sound quality.

Fortunately I’m pretty sure the audiences for opera and the like are the ones who really don’t like going to multiplexes.

We can only hope.

Unforgivable amount of time between posts. Many excuses including travel, but primarily my attempt to give up smoking. I’ve been a smoker for over 30 years, so you can imagine it’s been a little stressy.  Writing sets up an overwhelming need for a cigarette, so I’ve been avoiding it.

The pangs are starting  to become manageable so I think I can now finish this post that I started two weeks ago!

Imagine, if you will, a time in the recent past..

Rather selfishly my cleaners went on holiday last week, and it was half term. I Couldn’t find cover for the whole week, which meant  I had to do the weekend myself.

I bet the bloody managing director of Odeon wasn’t doing the cleaning at the weekend, no, he was on the golf course, in a cart driven by high-class call girls stroking his gold-plated putter.

By coincidence I’d also had two or three email complaints about the “frightful mess” during the last house and even while writing this a somewhat mean-spirited comment came in asking why it’s always so dirty in the evening?

That’s nonsense of course. Right off the bat I object to the word dirty. After a very busy day it can be messy in there, but it’s not dirty.

The problem only arises during school holidays. When the day starts the place is pristine clean and tidy, then in come the punters.

Don’t get me wrong, I love punters. Punters are my livelihood, the problem is not all punters treat the cinema with the respect it deserves.

Discarding wrappers where they sit, spitting out their chewing gum on to the carpet, knocking over their coke and watching it dribble down the aisle.

It’s odd, it’s always been this way in cinemas, why? Is it because it’s dark the people lose their inhibitions? No one can see you littering the carpet, so it must be OK?

Presumably when you sit in your living room with a DVD you don’t simply discard your microwave popcorn wrapper on the floor and wait for someone else to pick it up?

I merely speculate.

So it’s quite frustrating when, admittedly a certain type of customer, complains about how disgusting it can be at the end of a day after 1000 people have been through the door. Trust me, it was lovely and tidy when we started twelve hours ago!

I try to explain we do the best we can in the time available. All the large cartons are removed between shows and we sweep as much popcorn out of the way as possible.

In the cinema business we have to make hay while the sun shines. If a film is busy, particularly during a rather short window like half term, we have to squeeze every last show out of the damn thing.

Were we to stop and completely clean the auditorium from top to bottom, we would have to allow one hour between shows. That would mean say three shows instead of five. Quite a significant loss of revenue.

Revenue that’s required to keep things going during the quiet times.

Maybe we could redesign the theatres better,make them easier to clean, take out the carpet, put in less cosy hard floors, I don’t know.

So there I am, the big boss, head man, top dog, grand fromage, on my hands and knees at midnight clearing up the mess all the time renewing my considerable respect for the full-time cleaners that look after the place normally.

And do you know what? A large amount of what I am peeling off the carpet or is getting stuck up the vacuum pipe we don’t even sell!

Come on, you can see how that would piss me off a little can’t you?

If you are going to bring stuff in, at least take your rubbish home with you. It seems only polite.

Some cinemas try to stop contraband goodies getting in, I made the decision some time ago that it was just too difficult to police and causes too much unpleasantness.

But don’t assume it means I approve. Would you take a bottle of wine into a pub? Some of you might I suppose, but that would make you arrogant dickheads and I know the readers of this blog are no such thing.

If you’re honest though, most of you think it’s OK to bring popcorn into a cinema and then leave the remnants on the floor for me to clear up, and then put up with the abuse from crotchety old people who assume I have spread it around the carpet simply to make their evening unpleasant.

So next time you want to save a few pence by bring in a bag of value sawdust instead of buying my popcorn, at least take the bag home with you.

My next project might be a short instructional film called “Popcorn and your mouth, strangers that should be friends”.

Sure fire winner.